“Lumber Jerks” is the fifth episode of Season 4.
- Ren Höek
While working on newspaper duty, Ren and Stimpy learn that lumberjacks make more money and benefits, so the duo become lumberjacks.
Ren and Stimpy are working as paperboys in a small, village town called “Lumberville”, presumably located somewhere in French Canada, which appears to be a community inhabited mostly by lumberjacks, evidenced by the fact virtually all the trees have been chopped down and the residents all live in log cabins. As Ren, as usual, slacks off, Stimpy (poorly) delivers the townspeople’s newspapers while singing a butchered version of “Alouette” merrily. When Ren and Stimpy arrive at the 1600 block, Stimpy tells Ren it is time to collect one of their patrons bills. When Ren asks what the “deadbeat” owes them, Stimpy says “$1200.00 in change!”. Furious, Ren goes into a rage and demands a name, and Stimpy tells him the man is named “Pierre LaJacques”, to which Ren, seemingly traumatized, recoils in fear, clinging to Stimpy, reminds him that Pierre is insane, aggressive and “nearly killed him” last time. Stimpy, however, reminds Ren it is their duty, and has his pal recite the “paperboy oath” they took; “nor rain, nor dog, nor stink of cheese, shall stay these couriers from the swift delivery of these yellowized scrolls of journalistic lies” as the American flag flies behind them. With a bit more courage, Ren and Stimpy arrive at Pierre’s home to confront him, and are met with the massive, muscular, enraged man of French heritage, demanding to know who has come to disturb him, but he soon turns sarcastic and condensing when he sees it’s only “the paper babies”. A cowering Ren tries to explain the bill, but is crushed by the mighty fist of, and forced to eat the bill, by Pierre, who only sees Ren and Stimpy as pathetic, and bullies and injures Ren nonchalantly. He tells the duo that their job is for sissies, and rejects Ren as a little “mosquito” (as everyone else does throughout the series) and Stimpy as a “bloated little piggy” and shames them for not being real men. He suggests they grow up and become manly lumberjacks, like himself and his wife, Fifi (a large, equally masculine to her husband, woman who uproots a tree stump with her bare hands, revealing the Fearless Leader from Rocky and Bullwinkle, who also encourages them to do the same). Pierre asks them what they think, and Stimpy, excited by this idea, strangles Ren, saying he wants to be a man, too “Like the nice lady!” as Ren begrudgingly allows. With that, Pierre exits his home (revealing that although he is indeed incredibly well muscled, he is actually quite short) and takes off with Ren and Stimpy, having them ride off through the neighborhood on a living log that they treatlike a horse.
Pierre takes Ren and Stimpy to the local sawmill, and begins to explain to them the philosophy of being a lumberjack. He tells the cat and dog that he is asked all the time why he chose the lumberjack profession, as people tell him the tree is a beautiful, majestic, innocent creature. Ren and Stimpy agree, as Pierre angrily dismisses those people as fools, as the struggle between man versus tree is eternal. He describes trees, in his experience, dangerous, ruthless “beasts”. The timber is crafty and will “charge” if spooked, frightening Ren and Stimpy. Pierre says only thing worse is the accompanying creature known as the “Spiny Tree Lobster” a beast so cruel and vicious, that once it latches on with it’s pincers it never lets go (he demonstrates by crushing Ren’s skull) and shows proof of his encounter with one of these lobsters first hand, as one has latched onto his butt and “been there since Bastille Day”. Mr. LaJacques tells Ren and Stimpy that in order to understand the art of lumberjacking, they must do their homework, and offers the duo a book titled “Timber Scouts” which he wants them fully “digest” (which Stimpy takes literally, eating the book). Considering the two “ready” he cracks them with a whip, and orders them to go chop down some trees.
On Ren and Stimpy’s quest and a saw in hand, they discover that the area is barren of trees, having been deforested by the local lumberjacks long ago. Ren complains they have been travelling for miles, and have not found a single tree. When Ren suggests they toss in the towel and resume delivering papers, Pierre, who has been watching them, overhears and rides in on a beaver. Disappointed in the two for giving up so soon, he says that quitting goes against everything lumberjacks stand for, dismissing them as a couple of “pigs”. Stimpy, impressed by Pierre’s mount, asks when they can ride beavers. Pierre says once they cut down trees that “they’ll be up to their eyebrows” in them, in which he rides off on his beaver in the style of the Lone Ranger. Later, Ren and Stimpy still have no luck, and Ren is ready to call it quits again, but as luck would have it, the two spot a tree, but are unsure if it is indeed a tree. Ren consults the book Pierre gave them, by having Stimpy regurgitate one of the pages by punching himself in the gut. Ripping Stimpy’s tounge off like paper, as it holds the necessary page which has a photo of a pine that looks exacly like the one they spotted, (appropriately, yet bluntly, labelled “Tree, Stupid”), they happily rush to the tree, but hesitate when they discover it’s just a baby tree. Before they can do anything, another beaver shows up, and eats the baby tree, anyway, as Ren and Stimpy smile innocemtly. The beaver burps obnoxiously in their faces, filling Stimpy’s mouth with pinecones and Ren’s with a bird nest. Ren and Stimpy travel, until spotting an entire forest. Still not sure if it’s a tree, Ren takes a crack at punching Stimpy this time with all his might, and the pages of Pierre’s book go flying out of the cat, until Ren reads a page with a picture describing it as a forest (“Dunderhead”). An ignorant Ren gives up in disgrace, lamenting that with a “forest in the way” they’ll never find any trees, and heads home in shame, prepared to be ridiculed. However, in his sadness, he walks into a tree. Elated, Ren and Stimpy begin cutting it down, but Stimpy reminds Ren of Pierre’s warning of the Spiny Tree Lobster, which Ren dismisses, believing it to be a lie Pierre told them to discourage them.
Three hours pass and they barely make a dent. Ren, exhausted and digusted, blames the fact the tree is full of wood, and harps on about how trees should be filled with tapioca pudding, instead, until a claw taps him on the shoulder. Ren is horrifed to see it is an actual Tree Lobster, and Pierre did not make them up. The Lobster accuses Ren of being a tree killer, and threatens to “murder” him, but first, wants to teach him a lesson about the ecosystem he’s threatened to destroy. Climbing with Ren crushed in his claw up the tree, he shows him the hive of a husband and wife hornet, who he would’ve killed had he chopped down the tree. Peeking inside and finding the couple in bed, Ren is violently stung in the eyeball by the enraged male hornet, for peeping in on him and his wife, invading their privacy. Next, the Lobster takes Ren higher in the canopy, showing him a rare bird called a “Bulbous Beaked Hornblower”, adding that the bald, featherless, dodo-like bird is famous for it’s “haunting mating call”. As Ren is pushed in the large, throbbing butt of the bird, it lets out one of it’s “mating cries” (a massive, earsplitting fart like the horn of a large boat in Ren’s face). Finally, at the top of the tree, the Lobster shows Ren his own nest like that of a bird, revalling he has two “lobsterling” children Ren and Stimpy would have killed. When Ren tries to play it off, poorly, “complementing” the father lobster on his children, the baby lobsters proceed to chop off Ren’s nose and scalp him with their claws.
Returning Ren to the ground, the Lobster asks Ren if he learned anything. Finally sick of the Lobster pushing him around, an angry Ren decides to tell the Lobster just that. Now, operating a steamroller Ren exclaims “I, Ren Hoek, learned that nature can be cruel… but I CAN BE CRUELLER!!!” as he drives over the tree, chanting “KILL THE TREE!” bulldozing it to the ground, driving off the now frightened lobster, and laughing insanely. After Ren exclaims he now loves being a lumberjack, Stimpy, having witnessed the whole thing, and having a change of heart, scolds Ren for his deplorable actions. Ren, mocking Stimpy and feigning innocence, does not care in the least, asking Stimpy sarcastically if he destroyed the poor woodland creature’s home. A horrifed Stimpy replies “Yeah, HIS home!” As the furious lobster gangs up on Ren, who now is reduced to cowardice. When it looks like the Lobster is about to kill Ren, he instead, deems Ren a “Lumberjack!” and salutes and kisses him. Confused, Ren watches as the lobster take his head off, and it was revealed, all along, the lobster was actually Pierre LaJacques himself in a costume. He congratulates Ren for “passing his test”, showing no mercy to the tree, tree lobsters, or the environment. However, now that Ren has proven himself, Pierre wants to show Ren a secret as a confused Stimpy follows. Pierre explains that sawing down individual trees is outdated, and modern lumberjacks instead blast them. Having filled a nearby, pristine forest with dynamite, he shouts “Yvette Mimieux!” as he blows up the entire area with TNT, effectively “harvesting” every tree, killing the forest. With his hard day’s work “done” at the push of a dynamite detonator, Pierre happily tells Ren and Stimpy, who he has now warmed up to and respects for Ren’s ruthlessness to trees, that it is time to unwind.
That evening, Pierre takes his new friends to a local lumberjack club called “Club Log” where he describes something many lumberjacks enjoy to relax. Called a “Wolverine Whirlpool”, he shows them a hot tub, which he promises will be a real “manly” treat. Stripping out of their towels and into their “birthday suits”, the three hop in the pool of hot water, which Ren immediately enjoys. Stimpy, however, is disappointed, expecting it to have jets being a hot tub. Pierre explains to Stimpy that the Wolverines provide that, signaling two grizzly, cigar smoking wolverines to do their stuff. The wolverines proceed to spin around under the water, viciously mauling Ren, Stimpy and Pierre from the waist down. As Ren and Stimpy let out loud, bloodcurdling screams in agonizing, horrible pain for their lives, Pierre laughs and giggles, as if the violent clawing and biting of the carnivorous, predatory beasts seems to tickle him.
- This episode shares the same name as the Looney Tunes cartoon, “Lumber Jerks”.
- Jacques Pierre is a parody of Powerful Pierre from The Huckleberry Hound Show.